In the end, Ive decided to keep this blog away from everybody in school. Sometimes, I have things to say but it seems like Im holding back those times. Then I ask myself why should I and that is why I ended up with a new url. By the way, I aint looking forward to Hong kong for now..Have been working after school and family is now like a surprise I would want to see everyday. Next monday, I be leaving for hongkong, and when Im back, my parents would be away. And the cycle repeats.

School. Only thing to say is, everybody is concern about themselves, they want good from you and then nothing else matters. Too many people are over reacting about my private life.. Now going to school means having to report who I spent my time with, who am I interested with, why am I single and redundant questions like such. Does status really matters? Seriously, if there's a chance, I would like to have a decent guy and bring him home for the very first time. Like I once said, how I wished I have a photographer so he could take the nicest picture of me, or a chef so that I could have home cooked food everyday, a bartender so that he could make me a drink with his own designed recipe, or even a pianist and we could perhaps compose a duet together. Those arent expectations, rather tiny little wishes that I used to have, but I could live without those as well. Many came along. Ive got the good looking ones and I think they are just out to make fun of me. Ive got the richer ones but they didnt know money isnt everything. Ive got the romantic ones but the heart didnt match. Recently, there's this man who is kind at heart, humble but then again, feelings not right. Relationship, Im in no hurry for that. As soon as Ive found him, we would settle down. Ive missed it twice, thrice, not anymore this time round. Grandmother, just you wait.

My ex. There's a reason why I dont see a need to talk about him. Sometimes I feel ashame about the 3 years relationship, the only one I had so far. He's a malay and a national soccer player when I knew him. Smart and talented. Religious was the only strong word I could use to describe him. So we dare not hold hands in public and sometimes, we had to pretend we do not know each other. I asked him why, and all that he could answer me was, " Malay aunties talk alot and you're a chinese". Still, I sacrificed damn lot. Stopped eating pork or lard related food. Started saving money just for him as he was financially unstable. He was very popular in school and well known in the soccer society out there... I always got stares from girls who were jealous, and felt really inferior when some of his friends dont even give a damn shit to me when they see me. Like I was just yet another girl. Well, we would make a pact to meet at school foyer at around 3pm but when he doesnt show up, I would wait under his void deck. Many times, I could see him from opposite, walking to the street soccer court with a bunch of brothers, happily. So then I would wait till he finish kicking that ball and that would be around 7pm. I would still be in that stinky green uniform, under the void deck, where he will just walk pass me without feeling sorry. Instead, what I often got was, " eh, what you doing here?". Another time, he was burning almost 40 degrees and I took the initiative to look after him, again, I was in that green uniform. At 9pm, he woke up and got all dressed up. He told me he needed to meet up with his friends for soccer matters. He didnt even say bye. I tried pulling him back as he was still having high fever...he pushed me aside. That night, I went back to my other house where I was staying alone. At 1am, I called him as I wanted to know how he was feeling... I heard the music behind.. He lied. He was at a club and that was the time when I got to know what is WEDNESDAY, LADIES NIGHT. 2003 birthday, he forgotten my birthday and went all the way to Indonesia to play soccer. 2004, I had to remind him that it was my birthday and I asked him to pick me up at work but I had to pretend it was a surprise. yes, what the hell.. 2005, he remembered but he left me alone like a christmas tree for soccer again. I went home with some other strangers who helped me to carry all the presents I was flooded with that day. Finally, I could take it no more and I asked for a break. He got all stunned and tears fell... He didnt want to. I gave way eventually but I thought he would repent or at least be a man, and send me home for once without asking. I thought he wouldnt make me wait for hours again.. I thought he would remember our dates or at least remember what is my favourite drink. He got it all wrong after 3 years.

I didnt let go throughout the years, till the day I saw a picture of a good girlfriend holding his waist, on 125zr ( his motorbike ).

I could be the one there to wait..

I could be the one you push away..

When Im sick, you dont have to be there..

When Im in trouble, you can say you cant be there..

I could be the one sending you home..

I could be the one sending you to stadiums..

When I wanted something, you would give excuses..

When I cried, you didnt even bother to wipe away..

I could be the one giving you money, paying your bills..

I could be the one shielding your worries...

Even when u had her on your bike first,

I didnt mind being the second..

All you left to say was, "I didnt mean to."

In the end, you're the one who started eating non-halal, you stopped praying, you started clubbing and fighting. So much for trying to have a happy ending. 3 years of struggles, I cant even remember when I was happy. Now, just yesterday, your "friends" came telling me you had a bet with them if I would give "it" to you. Did you take the 3 years as a bet? As a game? Thank goodness, you lost badly didnt you. I told you from the beginning, I would save "it" till the day of my marriage.. Traditional as it sounds to be, but that is me. To think that I still told everyone "He's nice, just not serious at times." Its painful hearing the truth after 2 years of our breakup, not because I love you still, but for the 3 years of time Ive "wasted" on you.

People, do you have to take fat and short people like me as a joke?