A Nocturnal Reverie

Sunday, July 30, 20062:00 PM♥

not a perfect thing to have any names here..
was supposed to work but i played the hotel out. i finally made the choice to stop working for awhile. the job is wearing me out..too tired n sick of it.further more it was a day to celebrate someone's birthday in advance.

went with a happy feeling,left with a sucky feeling. everything happened too quickly. bdae boy invited few frens to his house. FREN B lost his wallet. he found out when bdae boy was out sending his gf home. we search along with FREN B.. couldnt find it.

dad called n said he was ready to pick me up. ard 2am. met up with him n mum at the roti prata stall as they wanted some bites.. then fren A called n asked," can u check ur bag? maybe u take the wrong wallet?". i replied,"pls,my bag is so small n just enough for my own wallet."

mum heard n she asked me wad happen..before i cud ans her,bdae boy called. n asked," can u check ur bag? n pocket. maybe u take the wrong wallet by mistake." i answered," pocket has nothing. hai,u all want to come here n check? ". mum went fury.. she was damn upset by how i was questioned. HONESTLY, maybe i was paranoid,but when i said no it means NO. of course i was upset the way i was asked too. have u ever thought of the way u questioned me? still, i explained to mum n i told her u didnt suspect me. i didn want to jump into conclusions tt u guys suspect me. i tried to convince myself that they were merely just questions. mum said this IS the problem with kids,us. we do not know how to ask questions properly..she thinks that the way u asked was absolutely wrong. n obviously thinking that im the culprit. she as my mum felt hurt that i had become the 'SUSPECT'.

then mum n dad insisted to drop by at bdae boy house. not to make a big fuss out of it. but just to clarify. i wanted the boys to check on me too,thus i agreed to bring my parents there. mum alighted the car n bdae boy immediately shouted at my mum....very rudely. be clear that i wouldnt side my parents for everything if not i wud have told em,"ya that guy suspected me."but i admit bdae boy was damn childish n rude. acted too impulsively..for awhile,it makes me think that,"its not even ur wallet,we have not yet confronted u. not yet opened our mouth? what are u fiercing at? unless u are making me the scapegoat.....meaning.................." well,dont blame me for having this thought. if u can ask me so many questions,now my turn to ask u. "did u take the wallet?" "maybe u keep it in ur house cupboard by mistake? maybe u borrowed huh?" . how will u feel,just how will u feel if u were asked in this way. just because its the first time i saw ur fren B,just because i was an invited guest,should i be asked this way??

picture this ppl.. u are working. n u realised ur wallet is missing.. u ask around INCLUDING UR BOSS. "can u check ur pocket?".

if i were u.

i would have asked it this way.."jocelyn,just now at my house did u see .... wallet?" obviously i would check every part of me..

n how will i take the wrong wallet by mistake? his wallet is black n obviously a guy's wallet. secondly,i didnt even take my own wallet out,how can i take another in by mistake? if i ever did,means im stealing. thirdly,bag is fuckingly small. if u can squeeze in another v3 phone i would bow to u already. not to even mention a wallet..bade boy even told me the importance of FREN'S B wallet. i was feeling disappointed. u tell me all that also no use,i didnt take it..

aftr all,this entry is dedicated to u. sorry to have ruined ur bdae celebration. fortunately ur bdae is actually on 1st aug right? hate my parents if u want,they are my parents. n they were right abt alot of things. abt the way i treat friendships. i kept ours as treasure..but when i rewind back n see the way u shouted at my parents,the way u handle things,i realise....i wanna keep this FRIENDSHIP no more.u can say im paranoid,but can i consider u being even more paranoid when my mum havent even say anything,but u already shouted like an angry old man?when u shouted unreasonably,when my parents n i drop by at ur house to clarify things together,not blaming u for other things.. i thought we were supposed to solve the case of the lost wallet,to find ____ wallet back..not any other issues. maybe ur upbringing is different,thats all. lastly,"check ur own house for the lost wallet."

Wednesday, July 26, 20069:15 PM♥

kind of tired already.
monday to friday school.projects and exams took all my free time away. sat work from 7am to 11pm (sometimes latest till 3am) . sunday helping dad out at driving "sch". left over time,charge for a new week ahead,or u can say,replenish for energy n rest lost.unfortunately,there isnt much time for that. somehow,energy level forever low. this is how i got my very first 1/2 demerit point today. still told the guys that i will leave this sch with a clean sheet of demerit points. 1/2 a point easily acheived.nothing proud abt that. rynette called,and i was stil on bed. stil thought that she wanted to clarify the time table with me.. never knew that they have been waiting for me at the train station,and that i was late. but i fess up..it wasnt on purpose. i dreamt of my late uncle..(due to tiredness n stress,humans dream...) saw many corpses n identified my uncle lying amongst them. few asked if i was afraid of that dream..i told them,"how can i be? its my uncle. i miss him. i didnt want to end the dream,thus i was late." excuse? up to u.

econs test this fri. i hope im ready. just think of the sch fees,n im inspired to scare the teacher with my high scores.

mum is pushing me to start on the driving theory..then i realised,im gonna be 18. sorry to those who have crossed 20,still,im gon say this,"i feel old".driving scares me too. wondered if im really short to drive? legs can reach the clutch?how about the brake? dad is worried,thus he showed me the skipping rope AGAIN. wondered how many times the traffic police will stop me for my identification on the road. good thing is,this might the last year im using the public transport. oh no,rephrase. this might be the last year i try to squeeze in the small tube ..along with kiasu n kiasi singaporeans.

Sunday, July 23, 200611:32 PM♥

presents to all,first class photo,DTM'06. few missing unfortunately.

Wednesday, July 19, 200610:24 PM♥

so i have been missing sch for abt 3 days already. today is the third. tml is mgm grand's project presentation day. i thought i was in deep trouble n i will let down my members as a grp leader..i havent done a thing for past few days. wouldnt use my uncle's death as an excuse. instead,will say its the time i needed but didnt had. still,glad to tell everyone,we managed to catch up. and we finally completed what we should. kind of ready for tml. thanks to charwin,faza,ryn n nadia (members) for coming down to my place. (as mentioned,i didnt attend sch) charwin brought food for me...i was touched. for the rest,they were tired aftr sch,despite that,they still came to finish up the proj work with me. what more can i expect from them? for past 3 days,while i was at the wake,they were at home,rushing the proj on my behalf. doing more than their own task. staying at east side but dont mind staying late at west side.

then it was sandra (victoria dance sch mate). she was at woodlands n didnt mind coming to my house just for a visit. we chatted...how nice is that? to have a fren who doesnt complain having to walk a long way in under the sun?

dad told me,"u really have gd frens. shimin,peiqi,weihun,this new grp n more,pls treasure them".
i pondered.
and gave myself a conclusion,that,i really really have such important ppl in my life,n im so glad we all have crossed each others' path...they were the ones whom i can dont reply their msgs n they wont be angry,the ones who bothers to catch up with me even when we are all busy with our own stuffs,the ones who can just drop by n send themselves out.the ones who will be there n everywhere.if i were to die anytime,i wouldn regret at al. friends. not just a definition,nor a word. its the meaning of life. so friends,im keeping u guys,till death do us part. i mean that.

12:48 AM♥

month or months ago,i was just mentioning that i had enough of attending the wakes. never did i know that i have to attend my uncles's funeral wake... uncle=dad's younger bro. rem bro had his 21st celebration at home? uncle chew as usual,nv failed to attend such occasions. he came with our fav bbq sotongs,chincalok and more. played jokes ard with us..near 10,he left with grandma n rest of the uncles.. 10 plus,received call that he had fainted with cold sweat in uncle sin's car. NO REACTION from him. 10 plus,another call received saying that he was on the way to n.u.h. 10 plus,uncle sin said uncle chew was better,he woke up. 10 plus,call from uncle sin (all relatives to go down to nuh). 10 plus,on the way to nuh,uncle sin called n ask us to be prepared for the worst. eleven,doctor spoke to us. dad asked how was uncle chew. doctor said,"his hearbeat n brain had stopped." dad ask,"so meaning pass away?". i thought question was straightforward enough to have a straightforward ans,something like yes or no. doctor said," for us,his heartbeat had stopped." i was like....MEANING WHAT!? cant he just say yes or no. was he trying to be nice or was he shock..he wasnt confident in talking at all...finally he said,"nurse will prepare for u all to last see him." 2339,pronounced dead.

can u imagine..9 plus,we were celebrating.....few hours later,such mishap came.
our heart ached like hell. uncle chew was only 42 years old. died of acute myocardial infarction. (something like heart attack + jammed everywhere inside). he is the only uncle who isnt married...out of 5 uncles and my dad.

holding his hp now really pains me alot. i was so much younger then..when i brought him to buy his very first hp. nokia 3310. yes,the blue one. i chose the number for him too..till now,i have already changed more than 8 hps,but he is still using the very same old one.he own such simple life. never did he request for more. never did he borrow money from my dad like rest..never did he had any brands.. i requested grandma to let me keep the hp..we have too many memories,but too lil time to have more. his best fren came to the wake n told us,he was unhappy at work,stubborn to see the doctor,taken advantage by his boss............all these,we didnt know at all. if not,probably we could have make him happier before he left,or even prevent his death. looking at his death cert,i must admit,my uncle,is really deceased. its gon be different for the rest of our new year celebrations. everything was just too sudden. we wasnt prepared. we wasnt ready. we didnt know a thing. the very most unexpected..

finally,sorry to those i didnt reply once again..this time round,i really wasn able to. was at the wake with a low batt hp. didnt go home..sorry people. thanks to those who was there. thanks to those who cared. my uncle is really gone...i hope he will have a much better life somewhere else. somehow i dare not say heaven..cos heaven seems too far away.

-no point speaking in details how close we were...it pains me more.

Sunday, July 16, 200611:17 AM♥

i had solid service yesterday. one to one table.
prayed tt i got an old folks table,n prayer was answered. y old folks? dont u think they are the better ones to handle? very "chin-chai" (hokkien for "easy-going"),not "lecih" (malay for "troublesome"). just keep smiling,n smiling,n they will probably return more smiles to u.. congratulations to me as well bcos i was praised. erm,not dying to be praised,but it definitely shows tt im finally learning something. im finally doing something right. i finally got hold of something. btw,i was praised by one of the folks' son. he said,"are u from shatec? were u trained to do this?." i asked," yes sir,im from shatec,but just doing this job for an experience. its not an attachment. may i ask why?" he goes," i see u're very attentive,observant. very good service frm u though u are small size.."

hmm,smart guy there to guess tt i was frm shatec.

n there,i had already spent 12 hours working. headed home n still had the thought to do mgm proj,but my eyes didn allow. it was already near 2am. n now,its already sunday. woke up with useless left wrist. i wonder how im going to play the piano to entertain bro's guest later. (as i mentioned in previous blog,he's having his 21st bdae party at home,BIG ONE.)

to all those who complained i cant be reached ydae:
apologies ok? like alwys...but i cant be blamed either. *laughs. u guys were still asleep when i was already working..when u ppl went to slp,i was still working. when im having my break,u all playing. how to!?

blah blah blah. gd day everyone.

Friday, July 14, 20061:40 AM♥

angels and mortals.

the game is progressing... :) im enjoyg. excited when my frens gt their gifts n notes frm their angels..mine was abit slow. in the morng,almost everybody got their gifts..i ws waitg.. "where is my angel?" my heart went.. for a moment,i tot tt my angel was still in heaven,lazy to descend down...or maybe on m.c. but then aftr poc class,i finally saw somethg underneath my bag. it ws some kind of japanese importd snack, n a note which says," sleepy+bored? hope this will cheer u up.-ur angel." i was happy lar..i tot i was so "suay"(unlucky) to gt a lazy angel.hmm..finally angel doing somethg. then there went SAM CHU. e pretty girl,going ard foolg e girls.. sent sweets n notes everywhere,pretending to be our angel. fooled me once,fooled me twice,so tts hw i gt to know she ws e joker..nevertheless,this game wil nv be interestg without her. love u sam! sunshine of our class.

swiss hotel visit with the class tml..looking forward. gon' hang out with the girls aftr tt..i swear im gon play till i drop. a rare fri evening for play..as its norm booked for work. wee~

-expect my roar!

Wednesday, July 12, 200611:56 PM♥

i miss tell(scandinavia driver).
he has gone missing.
used to email me everyday.
used to msn everytime we were online.
used to send me e-cards when he is busy.....
now,he is gone.
but i stil email him,hoping that he is just busy travelling,hopg tt he has lost his laptop bt wil gt bck to me soon..bt more than 6 mths had passed.rumours said tt he has been killed in a snow storm in sweden last winter..dont dare to believe it.can i not face it? aftr al we arent suppose to believe in rumours are we? but obviously,i know he is not safe. hw busy cn he be till there's no more e-cards for mths alrdy. promised to visit me in jan,bt no notifications at al. btw,tell is e one just beside me in e pic.to travel right up to e largest glacier on e european mainland,one hve to take a long ride up by the slopes..its realy realy high up there.....jst like going up the genting highlands without a car,bt a tram uncovered at e top n side.tis colossal of ice covers an area of abt 480 sq km n is up to 400m deep in some places. actual glacier plateau on which is begins lies 1700 metres above sea level..formed 2500 years ago...enough abt e history.wen i ws there,i told my tourmates im nt gng up. everybody knows i hv height phobia..family mem accepted it as they knw hw serious my condition was.bt then tell was so kind enough tt he held my hand n took me onto the tram.i couldnt resist as e nxt thing i knew,i was seated by his side already. he told my dad" i'll go up with ur daughter". we were to go up in groups..as a tram only allow 4 pax. so i was left in trusted hands. he gave me tt sense of security i needed..(not tt dad could give,bt he has height phobia too) n then,boom! "we've reachd." tell said. i ws happy i made it. lookg down,i ws so shockd i had travelled so high up. normal days at e hotel,we would wash his bus tog,eat n talk tog..14 days travellg with tell made my scandinavia trip a more than e midnight sun & glacier experience...we were a happy family. he's more than a driver to me. im lost.. hw cn i ever hv him back?when e only way to gt in touch with him was his email address. when he is at e other side of the world..when my sun rises,n his sun sets...

simply miss him...

12:29 AM♥

sad case to see so many true colours showing...but i felt so real. at least im not kinda person who only shows my trueself when i need the attention. so sorry for those. but i guess ppl like tt shudnt try too hard. get u to no where in the end. shud just be natural n not over paranoid abt the slightest stuff ard. oh ya,most importantly,dont be jealous. i thought everyone have different kind of beauty? ya,so dont worry. should shake hands,n make friends.

angels n mortals. class game. i got this person as my mortal by the name of " ",u think im so silly to tell? but kinda interesting. i hope my angel is a kind angel...btw,for those who have no single idea of what this game is abt....here it goes... all of us will draw lots,n the name we got will be our mortal,n we will have to act as their angel,n take them in gd hands,without them knowing. so it will be "suay" if u get the person u dont like...n it will be "heng" if the person u get to take care is alright. i drew the lots,n i got,"ng qian hui,jocelyn." whoa,such a long name,but tts me. i tried to keep my mouth shut as i tot,i cud save so much trouble by just takg care of myself. apparently,someone saw........so i have to draw the lots again... but i was "heng" :) my mortal,easy to please lar....

to my angel: i dont want cats,i dont want dogs. it can be coffee,it can be tea. dont mind black,dont mind white. love me lots,hate me not. :) reveal ur name angel...*wink.

Wrap a project up ASAP, while you still have the energy you need to enjoy it.
well,how true. got that from friendster's horoscope. project work is piling up..i stil hv tt bit of energy. n one of the presentation is just next week.. but thank god,i have super nice grpmates. its easy to be their leader,n work things out together.

met up with dearest kev n pq. 3 can be nice. see u guys next wk.

-NDP (no demerit points)

Sunday, July 09, 200611:10 PM♥

the kakaktuas are still as fun-loving as ever. we are planng to go back to our gd old days at bintan once more. so our nxt meet up will be @ the ferry terminal. look forward. btw,we went kbox for some quality singing sessions but fell asleep aftr 2 hrs or so. i wondered if we were at the wrong place.. we were really cold inside the box. till we curled up like some snails. each took a corner..guessed it was much more like eski-bar. room 16,enter n u will freeze till almost death,without proper clothings. the cineleisure.

apologies for thomas, roy and the girls.didnt join them for the night as i rarely had the chance to meet up with the kakaktuas.. what a waste also lar..bonding with my new classmates. anyway,i believe theres more to come.

next week,tough week. mgm grand project will take away my time for slp very soon. significant events next week will be as following :

mon-mgm grand project meeting.
wed-meeting up with shimin.
fri-class visiting the swiss hotel.
hanging out with my class mates then.
sat-work. hope to meet up with kevin n rest.
sun-busy busy busy. all the best to me n my mum. as we will be holding a party for my bro's 21st n daddy's 48th at home. al our relatives,neighbours n those playing a part in my bro's life will be expected. dont dare to even know the figures. hopefully theres enough space at whole of verde cres for the invited to park. thx to shimin first as she was invited by my bro,n has agreed to come earlier to help out,staying over aftr the party too. *happy.

believe me,before u know it,its the 20th,hand in project day.

Tuesday, July 04, 20068:29 PM♥

shame to c.ronaldo. was shocked to learn frm the papers that he actually warned rooney in e dressing room before the game tt he was going to get him sent off.and it happened. still denied tt n declared he felt sad for rooney as they are team mates n gd frens. further more,he gave a wink to the bench. too bad,the camera caught that. poor him. again,i might be an england fan,but i did admired him initially,now not anymore. many still could not understand how the red card came out the other day. well,its all over,but really despised him..for not having the sportsmanship blood. a betrayer i would call. i hope he leaves man u for good.. dont think rooney can ever play with him again. also,i hope that if ever liverpool players are gon' play against c.ronaldo,they will show him a gd time on the field. so,all the best to him n his fans.

btw,my unhealthy life is back. waking up early,turning in at only 4am.. no way out yet. its really bad for sch,esp econs......still cant get the hang out it. suddenly i feel tt maths is much more easier to understand than econs.or maybe it has got to do with the tutor?oops! anyway,the class (includg class tutor) have decided to catch a movie together under CTIS slot. interesting? but then, does it really help one another to communicate ? dont tell me u talk throughout the movie. but on the other hand,i had nv experienced havg the whole theatre to all the rest whom i know n myself. .

and today,this person asked me," how do u feel when u fall in love?" (what a strange question)
hesitated.
waited for 15 mins before i text back," scary".

-sleepy every now and then. s.o.s

Sunday, July 02, 20061:36 PM♥

the expected winner of world cup,brazil,is out.
the all-time favourite,england,is out.
the better team this year,argentina,is out.
ukraine,as expected to lose,is out.

thus,i declare,that my world cup fever had officially stepped down. after all,i tried to convince myself,that the world cup is after all,a game,without singapore as participant. so y care?

at the banquet yesterday....

"whats your name huh?" captain asked the new girl.
"you ming" said the new girl.
"what you & me?" captain laughed & asked.
"sorry sir,its Y-OU ming." she said.
"k next,ang mokio" captain called out.

the part-timers there have lots of strange name btw.

wells,apart from jokes,i had the worst working experience at the banquet yesterday. firstly,in the morning till noon,i worked with a group of snobbish pple. whom i thought had worked for long.then the black jackets (captains) asked me to set the tables. i thought it would be so heavy n troublesome to walk in n out of the back area just to collect the trays of utensils for each table,thus i was initiative enough to take a trolley,and collected 3 big trays of utensils,for 3 tables. they were fuckingly heavy. i pushed out......a snobbish girl,from the snobbish group,came n took 2 trays away,n went to set her in-charged tables. i was like wth?! those were for me to set my own tables,but she,just came without asking n took 2 TRAYS for her own tables. so i went in to the back area after just setting one table,to collect the tea cups. again,i thought it would be so troublesome to take 10 by 10,thus i pushed out one tray which contained around 30 tea cups. again,the girl came n took ALL THE TEA CUPS AWAY for her own tables. she was obviously taking advantage of me. so what do i do next? yes,go back to the back area n collect those things again. n i felt like writting my name on the trays,stating that those were FOR MYSELF AND FOR MYSELF ONLY.
for u,"u want,YOU GO TAKE URSELF LA,OR ASK UR SNOBBISH BF TO DO THAT FOR U.its not fair to ask of others what u are not willing to do urself".

i didnt tell her that, as at the point of time,i didnt know what status she've got,n how long she had worked. then throughout the noon,she n her bf ordered me to do this,do that. black jackets asked me to do this,do that. manager ask me to do this,do that. so in the end,i saw myself only the one who did almost everything....full-time staff came in n i told her everything. she laughed n said,"silly girl,those snobbish pple u mentioned are new...they were just transferred in from another hotel. tell them off though they might be more experienced than u,but rem,they have no rights."

so,i was sort of bullied.

in the evening at the wedding event...
this malay girl n i was paired up as partners. we were in-charged of 3 tables. she said she could take 2,thus i took one. hers,13,14. mine 15. have no idea what she did,but table 13 had full of complaints. thus the malay girl told me to exchange with her. so i just took 13 for the night. suddenly,i saw them complaining to the black jackets," your girls took left over food for me." then i knew i was in big big trouble. i just switched with the malay girl without knowing what she did...n obviously,black jacket will think i was the one. he then said to me privately," first _ _ _ _ was being fucked up by them,now me. this table not easy n i dont care! u better give solid service. " was that a threw up or a warning to me? i turned and looked at the malay girl,she was happily serving the other 2 tables,as though nothing had happened.

thus,i knew,i was bullied. she put me into the blame. well done. i just kept quiet throughout the event,held my tears,n dared not say a thing. on the way home,i cried. first the snobbish pple,next the malay girl,then the captains. wad a place to work at...alfie wasnt there to save me as he didnt turn up for work.

-how could this happen to me?